


melancholy

by JollytheSad



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Character of Color, F/F, Friends With Benefits, IM PROBABLY NOT FINISHING THIS STORY IM SORRY ITS TOO PERSONAL AND I GOT DISCOURAGED lol, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, angst apparently, there's sex in this too jsyk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-22 11:51:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11379621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JollytheSad/pseuds/JollytheSad
Summary: Clarke and Raven are the type of friends who occasionally sleep together. But life happens and they don't see each other for a while and Raven gets a boyfriend. But feelings stay. And Clarke doesn't quite know how to deal with them.





	1. Chapter 1

Clarke first meets Raven the month she turns 18. It's only October, her senior year, and she has little worries. She watches the colourful leaves tremble in the autumn breeze while Octavia drags her to a frat party. 

“...and then he said my ass is great to which I replied 'I know.' Clarke, are you listening to me?” 

“Yes.” 

“What did he say again?” 

“Your ass is great,” Clarke winks at her friend. “Who said it?” 

“The incredibly hot dude I'm after! You're not paying attention at all. I'm offended.” 

“Yeah yeah, are we there yet?” Clarke grins as Octavia tries to look upset with her and fails, horribly.

“Almost.”

 

Raven is a friend of Octavia's. Clarke notices her in the kitchen, not knowing her name yet, and she thinks the girl is gorgeous in a dangerous, alluring way. She smiles at her and Raven cocks an eyebrow. They get formally introduced later that night, by slightly tipsy Octavia. (“Your brother will kill me, if he finds out I let you drink, O.” “Shut up, Clarke, you're not legal either.”) 

“Nice to meet you,” Raven says in a low voice. Clarke has to stand close to her to hear properly.

“You too,” she smiles. “Do you dance?” she asks, and there's something in her voice that Raven can't quite place, but likes the sound of it.

“Not really, but I can if you want.”

They make out tucked away in a dark corner later, hidden by some potted plant. Raven surprisingly does not taste of alcohol and Clarke decides she likes that. She comes home early in the morning with a hickey and Raven's number.

 

They sleep together a month later, when Clarke's big house is empty and lonely. She opens the door for Raven wearing a cozy blue sweater and black sweatpants. Raven's got a red beat-up leather jacket on and ripped black jeans which she claims she's not cold in. She leaves the jacket on Clarke's floor and her hands are cold cold cold when she puts them on Clarke's bare skin underneath the sweater.

She's really really good with her hands and Clarke tells her so. Raven tells her to use her mouth for better things. 

 

They develop an odd but pleasant kind of friendship, going for brunches with O and making out at parties and occasionally sleeping together. Clarke likes Raven's sharp wit and Raven likes Clarke's dry humour and sass. Raven sometimes helps Clarke with her assignments, something she's enormously grateful for.

Winter break rolls around and it catches Clarke in a very grim state of mind. Their house is too big for just the two of them; her and Abby. It's been two years since her father died and Clarke doesn't think it's getting any more easier to live with that. And in this merry time, when the family is supposed to come together and just _be_ together, Clarke gets miserable. She barely speaks to her mother outside of “good morning”s and “good night”s.

She spends the entire Christmas day holed up in her room. She tries to paint but nothing looks good and she ends up throwing her brushes against a wall. A splash of colour on white. Her mom calls out for her, but Clarke ignores her. She texts Raven instead.

Clarke has sneaked out of her house before. But it hasn't been in December, with little snow and ice. She's seriously scared she'll fall out of her window and break something, but the thrill of it also excites her. She curses under her breath when she lands among to rose bushes. (Or what's left of them.) A puff of mist escaping her lips and then dissolving in the icy air. She's never actually _been_ to Raven's dormitory before, but she will surely find her way?

It takes a few wrong turns and some going back and forth, but eventually she gets there. It must be close midnight now. She has to crawl through a window to get into Raven's room. Thank god she is on the ground floor.

“Hey,” Raven says. She's wearing a hoodie and leggins and some ridiculous fuzzy socks, and Clarke would make fun of her for that, but her eyes look different. Tired and sad.

“Hi,” Clarke says back and then steps close enough to wrap her arms around the other girl. “Thank you.”

“It's fine, you sap. Do you need to shower?” 

“You know what? Yes. And I hope you have food.” 

“Don't worry, Griff. It will be ready by the time you're done.”

 

“So,” Clarke begins, plopping down on Raven's bed in a borrowed t-shirt and own clean change of underwear, “how come you're all alone in here?” 

Raven freezes, and Clarke immediately regrets asking. 

“Sorry, did I-” 

“No, it's fine. Most of the folks are home, you know. I don't have anywhere to go.” _I don't have anyone to come to._

Clarke nods, brows drawn together in a frown. 

“Hey,” Raven reaches out to her, pushes a strand of loose hair back behind Clarke's ear.

“Mm?” 

“It's fine.” 

“Are you?”

Silence. Raven meets her eyes for a split second. She looks so sad that it hurts Clarke's soul. 

“Let's try to get some sleep,” Raven says instead of answering. 

Clarke lies down on her side by the wall, her back pressed to it tightly, separated only by a blanket. Raven sets on her side too, facing Clarke. They are quiet for a while. 

“I don't really feel like sleeping,” Clarke says and it sounds like a confession, it sounds like a suggestions, it sounds like promise.

“Okay.” 

They meet for a kiss halfway. It's soft and chaste. They spend a few minutes just like that, gently brushing their lips together. It's Clarke who first dares to break the gentleness and nips lightly on Raven's bottom lip. The pace changes and then suddenly there's tongue, hands on hips and tugging on hair insistently. Raven's hand is cold when it makes it's way in between Clarke's thighs. Clarke rolls on top of her, straddling her hips. Raven pushes away the panties and starts gathering Clarke's wetness on her lithe fingers. Clarke can take three of them and she rides them until she comes with a sob. Raven presses her lips to her forehead and they lie like that, Clarke collapsed on top her, Raven's fingers still inside of her.

“You don't have to...” Raven starts, when Clarke rolls off of her.

“Don't.”

Clarke kisses her. _I'm here. I want to do this. I got you._

She makes a trail of kisses and love bites down Raven's body. She puts her mouth on her, making Raven sigh. They hold hands while Clarke eats her out. Her orgasm is quiet, it creeps up on her, overcomes her suddenly and then dies out. It feels like a wave washing up on shore. 

They kiss some more then, and Raven can taste herself on Clarke's tongue. It's strangely intimate. It makes her whisper, when they are finally falling asleep: “I'm not in love with you.”

“That's okay,” Clarke whispers back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little bit of happiness and lotta bit of sadness

Spring comes and goes. Clarke and Raven see each other, in the midst of furious studying. Some afternoons Clarke spends outdoors, to escape the huge house that hasn't felt like home in a while. Taking pictures or doodling or wandering around with Raven. Some days they talk, some day they're silent. Clarke likes listening to Raven's playlist, the earphones dangling in between them, just above their joined hands. 

After Clarke graduates high school and Raven survives exams period, they go to a party with O. It's a hot day and it won't get any colder until after midnight. It brings back memories of how they met. Tonight, they dance. Clarke gets a little tipsy and Raven gets a little high and when they have sex later that night it's clumsy and messy, but it makes them laugh laugh laugh. It feels like nothing could go wrong.

Everything goes wrong when summer ends.

 

Abby introduces Kane on a Monday. It's a pretty day, with just enough breeze to not be hot. Clarke stares at her mother in utter betrayal and confusion. It hasn't even been three years. She tells her mother just that and then she does not speak to her at all.

Raven gets into an accident on a Thursday. And Clarke wouldn't even know, safe for the fact that she was rushed into her mother's hospital. What a coincidence, how life sometimes works like this. She arrives together with a boy who has dark flopsy hair, and frankly, looks way worse than Raven does. She's screaming. 

Both of them are ushered to the operation rooms, and while Clarke hasn't spoken to her mother in three whole weeks, she's begging now.

“Please, save her, mom, you have to save her, she's my _friend_.”

It sounds a lot like Raven's “please save him, you have to, he's my only family left.” She only stops repeating that over and over after they put her to sleep.

 

“I have bad news and worse news,” are the first words Raven hears from Abby after she wakes up. 

“Try me,” Raven croaks somewhat defiantly.

“Your left knee took the worst of it and you will not be able to walk for a couple of months.” 

“And after that?” 

“If you start physical therapy, you might.”

“ _Might._ Awesome. What's worse news?” 

Abby takes a deep breath. It doesn't make the anxiety rolling in the pit of Raven's stomach any lighter. 

“The boy...”

“No.”

“He didn't make it. I'm sorry.” 

“No!!” 

Raven cries and screams and wails and sobs again. She doesn't stop until they put a huge ass needle in her, with some more meds to make her more numb. When she wakes up again, she refuses to speak with anyone. Clarke leaves flowers at her bedside table every other day. Raven doesn't speak to her either.

 

Raven doesn't return to school that year. She starts the therapy and once she's able to walk with a heavy brace on her knee, she disappears. Clarke texts her sometimes, when she's all alone in the house that is not home. _I miss you._ _I want to see you._ _Let me know when you're coming back._ She doesn't get an answer for months. By the end of her freshmen year at college, she gives up. 

It's summer again. She tries not to think of the last one, the one she spent with Raven. Sweaty and gross and happy. Their polaroid selfies are stuck to the wall next to her bed. She takes a boy home one night and he asks about them. She kicks him out butt naked and throws his clothes out of the window.

_i miss yuo pleas come bck_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up late with no excuse*
> 
> i'm basically posting this just to tell you guys im writing (very slowly)

Raven comes back the way she left. She shows up unexpectedly, only warning Clarke with a text that said “i'm standing in front of your house”. 

Upon opening the door, Clarke cannot believe Raven is actually there. She's been gone for almost a year, disappeared without a damn word and now – she's casually leaning on the doorway? The brace snug against ripped jeans, a smirk on her lips, but Clarke can see the worry in her eyes. 

“You asshole,” she says before she embraces Raven in a hug so tight they might actually melt into one body. She doesn't let go for a long time, eyes screwed shut and just breathing, feeling, realizing it's real. “I can't believe you.” 

“I missed you, too,” Raven says, patting Clarke's back. She aims for nonchalant, but it's a little too soft. 

 

“So, you've been gone for almost a year.”

Raven hums. At least she looks a little guilty.

“How have you been?” Clarke asks.

They're in her bedroom, sitting side by side on her bed. Raven took of her knee brace and it now rests on the floor.

“Getting better. I got a lot of shit done. Worked on cars and such. It helped.” It is a very telegraphic answer, but Clarke gets the gist of it. “You?” 

“I've been...” she thinks. “Not terrible.” 

There's a lengthy silence in which Clarke can't believe this is really happening. That Raven is really sitting beside her. Raven is the first one to speak up.

“So, uh, I've also kind of met someone.” 

Clarke swallows. “That's great.”

“Have you?” 

“No, not really. You know, messed around here and there. Nothing serious, though. I don't think I'm good at serious.” Clarke's brows furrow and she squints at something that might not be there. Raven reaches out and squeezes her hand. She says nothing.

 

Clarke can't sleep that night. It sits heavy in the pit of her stomach. _I've kind of met someone_. She should have known. And she feels stupid, because it's not like she's been _waiting_ for Raven. It's not like she's in love with her. She knows in-love, been with plenty people. No, it's... she's cares for Raven, cares so deeply it aches, and she might even love her. 

It's not her place to envy that someone that Raven has met, and yet here she is. Staring at her ceiling at one in the morning. She groans.

 

They fall back into their old habits, in a way. Clarke still has a month of summer holidays and she gets out of the house as much as possible. She and Raven sit on the curb together, earphones dangling between them. They do not hold hands. Raven drives them outside the city and Clarke takes pictures. She hangs them above her bed. Some days she sits on a ratchet couch and watches Raven work. There's a sense of novelty to this, this fragile thing between the two of them. Every time Raven mentions “the dude she's seeing”, and Clarke is slapped with the reminder they're not going back to what they were. Whatever that was. 

She doesn't get to meet the _dude_ until the last weekend of summer. And when she finally does, all she can manage to think is “holy shit.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm basically posting this just to not leave you hanging. Also because I need a while to figure out how does this end. (Since I'm leaving on vacation this Saturday, I will have a whole week to do just that.)  
> Also please notice how I went from having 1k+ words in the first chapter to this poor barely 390 words tidbit. Pathetic.

Clarke has known Bellamy Blake as long as she has known Octavia. Which is some good six years. 

The Blakes moved in when she was 13, and she has met Octavia only because she decided to try sports that year. (She lasted half a year of soccer). Their friendship stuck and Clarke has been more at the Blake’s house than at her own. Doing homeworks together with O, playing, being fed PB&Js from distressed Bellamy. So yeah, she has known him for a while now. But she could never imagine him being Raven’s mysterious dude. 

It makes sense, she supposes, she hasn’t talked to him much since he left for college 3 years ago. 

“Small world, huh?” she says instead of an introduction, which makes Raven’s eyes go wide.

“You know each other?” she asks, surprised.

“Yeah,” Bellamy smiles, and god, doesn’t he look pretty. “Clarke is my little sister’s best friend. You’ve been looking out for O, right?” 

“Of course, as if I would do your job, Bell,” Clarke teases, hiding all her confused feelings behind humour. 

 

Clarke doesn’t know if it got any easier. Knowing that the girl that she has grown to... care for so deeply is dating her childhood crush. One part of her stubbornly, childishly thinks that it’s simply _not fair_. But the bigger, grown part of her simply thinks that life sometimes is like this, coincidences around every other corner. 

She doesn’t stop spending time with Raven, though she prefers not to be with her at the same time Bellamy is. Go figure.

 

“Isn’t it strange that you like cars so much despite…” Clarke brings up one day. She’s sitting on a bench, watching Raven repetitively slide under a car and back again.

“Despite the accident?” Raven finishes for her. “I mean, yeah, maybe. It’s not like it was our fault that they ran right into us, though.”

“Well, that’s the scary part.”

“I think,” Raven says and proceeds to look thoughtful, “I think I’d be way more uncomfortable in the passenger seat than I am in the driver’s. Gives me a sense of control, I guess. It’s not like I drive a lot, anyway. I just love to get under their skin.”And with that she disappears under the car again.

They don’t talk about it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have few notes: Raven is able to drive because - like most Americans - she doesn't drive stick shift, but automatic.  
> I've also made Bellamy some years younger, let me count. In canon he's like 6 years older than O, well I've made him only like 4 years older. The ages by this "chapter" should be: Clarke 19 (turning 20 in October), Raven 21, Bellamy either 23 or turning 23 (bcs i have no headcanon about his birthday *shrug*) and O is 18.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is celebrating her 20th birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm back

When Clarke starts school again, she – ironically enough – finally has enough time to just stop and process everything that has happened during the summer. 

She sits at the bottom of the shower, warm water drumming onto her skin, lost in thought. She's been texting Raven during the day, which may have been what started her odd mood. Or state of mind. Call it what you will. Clarke wonders if she's mad at Raven in any capacity. For leaving without a word, then coming back and expecting everything would be like it was before. 

(It was. Kind of.) 

She thinks she's not. She might have been mad, she definitely was right after the whole thing happened. Maybe all of her frustration and hurt slowly evaporated like the steam from a mug of tea. Her lips twitch into a smile and she's overcome with an urge to paint that. A girl sizzling with rage which then slowly rises to the top of the picture, vanishing. She turns off the water, climbs out of the shower. She has things to sketch.

 

Clarke feels like she didn't even blink and suddenly her birthday is just around the corner. (And Halloween, too.) She's not entirely sure how she agreed to Raven's idea to celebrate her birthday _and_ Halloween. She must have been distracted, or drunk. Or both.

“Oh God, this is gonna be bad,” she says.

“Shut up, Griffin, it's gonna be hilarious,” says Raven in a robot costume. Or something along those lines, Clarke didn't quite catch Raven's in depth explanation. 

“I already hear my mother screaming at me for the mess we are definitely bound to make.” She closes her eyes and rubs at the bridge of her nose. She's so not looking forward to that. 

“If only you cared,” grins Octavia, who looks like a fearless warrior, with warpaint and all. She and her boyfriend, Lincoln, have matching costumes. Clarke isn't sure if it's sweet, nauseating, or making her sad that she's single. 

Clarke shrugs. “True. Are Monty and Jasper done setting up the music? I feel like I need to get high like right about now.” 

Raven laughs. “The party hasn't even _started_.”

“Exactly.” 

 

It's probably because she's high. She hopes it is because she's high. For what other reason would she be staring longingly at Bellamy, who showed up fashionably late, wearing nothing but a white sheet? He even has a gold sprayed laurel wreath on top of his stupidly pretty, curly hair. God, why is he so attractive? That's definitely not fair. And what's even more unfair is that he gets to make out with Raven whenever he wants, while Clarke cannot. 

“I want to kiss Raven” she whines out loud. 

“Who doesn't?” says O. She's a little tipsy, clinging to Lincoln like her life depends on never letting him go. And he looks down at her with so much love written all over his face, Clarke wants to gag. Or cry.   
“Where is Raven, anyway?” 

“Can't you hear? Pretending to be a DJ.” Octavia looks like it physically pains her to listen.

“I'm gonna go get her,” Clarke says and walks off.

 

They're sitting on the balcony that looks out to the garden. Not that Abby's house has more balconies than that. They just get to see out on the patio, where a bunch of their friends and other people are in stupid Halloween costumes, drunk, dancing and laughing. Having a good time. Clarke giggles and plops down on her back, trying to focus on the sky. 

“Are any stars out tonight?” she asks.

“Are you blind?” Raven snorts. “They are. Look, there's the moon.” 

“Awooo,” Clarke draws and then nearly chokes laughing.

“You're an idiot.” 

“I'm an idiot.” 

They're silent then, Clarke looking at the stars and Raven down at the people outside. 

“Aren't you a little cold in that?” Raven worries when her gaze lands on Clarke, sprawled on the balcony in nothing but a slutty nurse costume. (See, it's funny because she was gonna become a doctor, but then she went to art school instead.)

“Kiss me,” Clarke says in lieu of an answer. 

“Why?” 

“Because I want you to.” Clarke stops there, swallows. Looks Raven in the eyes. “Do you want to kiss me?” 

“I kind of do.” 

“So kiss me.”

Raven lies down onto her side first, before rolling on top of Clarke. It makes her laugh. Raven then leans onto her elbows, and finally ducks her head down to brush her lips against Clarke's. Clarke is still giggling into it, doesn't stop until Raven pulls her lower lips between hers and bites down on it gently. 

“ _Oh_.” 

“Yeah.” 

So they're kissing. And the sensation is somewhat different, and no, it's not because they're both high, because they've done that before. Clarke is shivering, part from the cold, and part from all of _this_ , and Raven is making little noises that are new. 

Neither of them notice when the door opens, and another person steps out on the balcony, not until the person in question clears their throat. 

Raven looks up first, if only because Clarke can't really see behind herself. “Hi,” she says, all dreamy and starstruck. 

“Hey,” answers Bellamy softly. “You good?” 

“No, I'm cold,” Clarke says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus end lines: 
> 
> "Hi, cold, I'm dad."
> 
> "Daddyyyyyyy," shout Raven and Clarke in unison.


End file.
